Not Sure if You’re Getting Old? Here’s Your Sign

Recently, a friend asked me if she could post a photo of me on her facebook page. Although we’ve been friends for years and there are very few things she could ask of me that I wouldn’t cheerfully hand over (money, my favorite dress, a kidney), I found myself saying no to the photo.

I hate pictures of myself. My hair is so blonde it doesn’t show up against any light background, so I look like a bald hoot owl in most head shots, AND no matter what we tell ourselves about how young we still look, pictures don’t lie. Every line, droop, softening, missed workout, diet relapse, or one-too-many glasses of wine is hanging out there, in full glossy color, announcing to the world what we can’t admit to ourselves. We’re getting OLD.

I know what you’re thinking. “It’s how you feel that counts.” “You’re only as old as you think you are.” “Beauty is what’s INSIDE.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. But all that internal beauty and youthful thinking is housed inside a body that has seen better days, and some days we get not-so-subtle reminders that time is marching on.

How to tell if you’re getting older?

1. You see a picture of yourself and realize that what everybody says is true. You look exactly like your mother. Granted, your mother may be beautiful (yes, Mom, you are), but she’s 20 YEARS OLDER than you. There’s a difference between “having your mother’s smile” and “looking like your mother.”

2. When you wake up in the morning, the pillow creases on your face haven’t gone away by the time you leave for work two hours later.

3. Your grandchildren (let’s just start with that fact that you have grandchildren) like to pull your hand skin up and giggle hysterically at how long it takes to go back down.

4. You buy bras more for their ability to smooth back fat than to hold up your boobs.

5. You acknowledge people on the street with a smile and a head nod, because your once-defined triceps now flap like sheets on a clothesline whenever you lift your arms to wave.

6. You own Spanx but never wear them, because you can’t bend over far enough to pull them on.

7. You remember the “pencil test” to determine if your backside is drooping, but now you can get 3 yellow highlighters under one butt cheek AND hold them there all day.

8. Body parts move when you’re standing still. Boobs sway, butts jiggle, thighs ripple. (If we could get it all synchronized, we could youtube a new dance meme, but unfortunately, boobs tend to go east and west, butts go south, and thighs have a mind of their own. God has a wicked sense of humor…)

9. Every year you have to eat less to maintain the same weight. (At this rate, I figure that by 2020, my daily food allowance will be one fruit loop and a Diet Coke.)

10. You start looking at wine as EMPTY CALORIES and wonder if you should cut back. (But then that inner youthful exuberance makes you burst out with “Bahahahaha!!!” You’re old. Not dead.)

Last weekend I was playing with my friend’s 5-year-old daughter, tickling and giggling, when she announced,”YOUR hands are way older than mommy’s!” “Oh?” I choked out. “Yep,” she insisted, peering closely at my face, “You’re DEFINITELY old.” My friendship with her only-slightly-younger mother is all that stood between me and an overwhelming urge to toss the future tramp off the balcony. So if I don’t post next week, you can assume I’ve passed on in my sleep. What the hell. They’ll say I had a good run.