Men. If You Want to Drive Us Crazy, Here’s a List to Get You Started

I wrote an essay about things wives do that makes our husbands a little nutsy, and my female readers immediately put up a group shout for equal air time. My favorite request was from a close friend who said, “What about us? We love our husbands, so we can’t shoot ’em, but sometimes they make us go all crazy town on their asses.” I love this woman.

So to my women warriors, here you go.

The Husband’s Guide to Driving Their Wives Crazy

Here’s “The Husband’s Guide to Driving Their Wives Crazy. (Do These Things and Your Success is Guaranteed).” Author’s Note: All of these behaviors are true-life experiences. There was no need to make anything up.

You Never make the Bed

You’re the last one out on most days. I can’t make it with you in it, so it’s logical that you would handle this particular chore. Oh, and unless your spirit animal is a five-year-old human, pulling the comforter up over the wadded sheets and blankets is not, in fact, making the bed.

You Don’t Replace the Toilet Paper

Leaving it on the roller with one square left is just tacky. What are we supposed to do with that? If your excuse is that there wasn’t a fresh roll nearby, what did you think we, of the seated-pee sex, would do when we reached for the TP, only to find enough paper to clean a gerbil?

Now we’re forced to duck waddle across the bathroom to the cupboard, with our pants around our ankles, praying to God we’re not actually out of toilet paper entirely, grab a roll and waddle back to finish our personal business. This is the kind of thing that becomes a “Thing,” and will need to be discussed (which we’ll want to review during overtime the next time your favorite team is playing).

You Leave the Toilet Seat Up

This one is a classic that couples have been battling about for generations. Let’s put this argument to bed for once and for all. The reason we hate it when you leave the toilet seat up is that we can fall in if it’s not down. Getting our hineys wedged in the toilet, with our legs in the air, is not our best presentation.

We either have to push upwards with our arms until our not-inconsiderable behinds pop out like a champagne cork, or call for help and suffer through the humiliation of having a visiting friend yank us out (and make no mistake, we will never go to dinner with those people again). So do it for the team. Put it down. Our hearts and our butts will thank you.

You Put your Dirty Dishes in the Sink Instead of the Dishwasher, which is Right Next to the Sink.

How do you think those dishes are going to get into the dishwasher? Our dish fairy quit last week, and they can’t just fly in there all by themselves. So guess who has to do it? Yeah, that would be us. And please don’t use the argument, “Well, the dishwasher was full.” If it was full of dirty dishes, the next logical step would be to turn it on. If it was full of clean dishes, you could do what we do. Unload it and then put the dirty dishes in it. Bonus: This could very likely get you laid.

You drink all of the milk except for the last tablespoon, then put the milk container back in the fridge because it’s “not empty yet.” So here’s our thinking on that. If the remaining milk doesn’t cover the entire bottom of the container, for all intents and purposes, the container is empty. Be a rebel and drink that last 1/8 of a cup. Then we’ll have room for a fresh carton, and there will be milk for both of us. We’ll buy.

You Leave your Wet Towel on the Floor in the Bathroom Every Morning after you Shower

Our imaginary laundry fairy ran off with our imaginary dish fairy to make little imaginary multi-purpose fairies. This leaves the responsibility on you for getting your wet towel onto the towel hook or into the laundry basket. This is neither a frat house nor a hotel room with maid service. You use it,  you put it away. We do.

Whenever You Can’t Find Something, you Ask us where we Put it

The not-so-subtle implication is that we either put it where it wasn’t supposed to go or we lost it. If you can’t find it, it must be our fault. But your drill bit set is not something we usually go pick up and move because it’s just so much fun to watch you search for it. And if we haven’t seen it, used it, or moved it, how the hell could we have lost it?

You Insist that you Never Spend any Money, so we must be the Reason we’re Always Broke

This one is just stupid. The reason you don’t spend any money is because we do all the shopping. Since much of what we buy is for you (including that ridiculously expensive cologne you like to wear, the wildly overpriced wine you’re so crazy about, and the multiple pairs of never-on-sale Nikes, which are the only sneakers you’ll wear), you are, in fact, spending money. You’re spending by proxy.

And let’s get real. Women and men shop differently. Men will scrimp all year, wearing one pair of sweats and the same two t-shirts for weeks, then go out and buy a $20K motorcycle or a $15K boat. You guys spend in large chunks, but less often. We spend in smaller amounts, but more frequently. Let’s call this one a tie.

You Think we’re your Personal Secretary

We are somehow responsible for making and then getting you to your appointments. Dental cleanings, medical checkups, medication reminders, car repairs, dinner engagements with friends, the granddaughter’s oboe recital. Everything you do but go to work (which, inexplicably, you can do all by yourself).

If you miss your next dental cleaning because we didn’t write it down and we didn’t remind you, it’s somehow our fault. This tends to make us feel more like your social secretary or your mother (which, in terms of sex, can be a little creepy). Do our sex life a favor and manage your own life.

You Ignore us all Day, then Want Sex at Bedtime

You’ve been out all day doing guy stuff, get home just in time to snarf down dinner in front of the TV while you watch the Big Game, then fall asleep on the couch until bedtime. Then it’s sex time. Just to let you know, very few women feel that watching us clean and giving us “the wink” while you tell us we can “do the dishes later” counts as foreplay.

You want us to stop in the middle of cleaning the kitchen, knock out some hot shake-and-bake, then come back and finish up while you sleep happily down the hall. Yeah, that doesn’t really work for us. If you really want to turn us on, grab a hand towel and wipe off the counters.

If you Need Something that’s in the Dryer, you’ll Pull that Item Out and Leave the Rest of the Clothes in there

While you go watch TV. In the Land of Unicorns and Rainbows, you would take out all the clothes, set aside what you need, and (wait for it)…fold and put away the rest. I know. Bahahahaha! Ain’t gonna happen. Well, we tried.

And we love you too.